Every World Cup quarter-finalists biggest ‘shithouse’

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With the introduction of VAR one might have considered the demise of ‘shithousery’ in the modern game, and yet, if anything this World Cup has taught us that the dark arts are as potent and prolific as ever. 

The term ‘shithousery’ has been tossed around vociferously this summer, such has been its prominence in Russia as certain players try their best to con referees and completely disregard the basic elements of sportsmanship.

‘Shithousery’ is multifaceted and is not confined to one single act; it can range from anything between harassing the referee, to falling on the ground like a fish out of water upon the slightest touch, to diving over an imaginary outstretched leg.

There are masters in the dark arts: Pepe after his legs turned into jelly when Medhi Benatia breathed on his shoulder, or the Colombian players trying to stamp out an imaginary fire on the penalty spot against England.

The Three Lions are of course no exception, as demonstrated by Jordan Henderson after he perhaps collapsed a little too dramatically upon contact with Wilmar Barrios’ head. The term certainly carries a negative stereotype with it, but there have been many incidents where the act of ‘shithousery’ can be highly amusing, entertaining, or even in some circumstances, commendable.

Gareth Southgate described England as being more streetwise after the game, but whichever way you want to word it, it is likely to continue this weekend and into dying embers of Russia 2018.

So who is every World Cup quarter-finalists biggest ‘shithouse’?

Uruguay (Luis Suarez)

Hard to imagine there will be too many surprises here. A truly gifted and world-class footballer; when Suarez gets bored of scoring goals at will, he can often be found having a quick glance at his opponents before backing into them and then crumpling to the floor in agony. A clever ploy to win free-kicks, and one that has so far paid dividends in Russia, but this is merely the tip of the iceberg for the Barcelona star.

It has been refreshing to see Suarez do most of his talking with the ball at his feet, rather than carrying out his infamous antics of old, notably the last World Cup finals when he decided to sink his teeth into Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini.

Best example of shithousery: There have been a few. The aforementioned nibble on Chiellini’s shoulder; the notorious champ on Branislav Ivanovic; or his inaugural bite on Otman Bakkal – take your pick.

France (Lucas Hernandez)

Hernandez was heavily criticised after France’s 2-1 win over Australia during the group stages of the World Cup for spending too much time on the floor, often clutching his leg, or arm, or any body part where he felt the slightest contact. Well after the match he admitted to employing tactics of theatrics to run down the clock.

He told reporters (via ESPN) that “As we saw against Australia, there are moments where I exaggerate a bit. It helps the team to buy some time, I do it from time to time.”

This adds an interesting dimension: admitting to your own act of ‘shithousery.’ The Australia team were unlikely to take any solace or consolation from Hernandez’s admission.

Harry Maguire was lauded for his honesty after taking a dive against Colombia before immediately raising his hand to the referee in an apologetic manner, but the act has still been committed. Just by admitting to ‘shithousery’ does not excuse ‘shithousery.’

Best example of shithousery: Australia’s Matthew Leckie will probably give the best description – “It doesn’t help when my opponent, the left defender (Hernandez), was falling over and playing a lot of diving.”

Brazil (Neymar)

Another majestic player, and undeniably one of the greatest players at this current time, but his off-the-ball antics have stolen the headlines this summer, turning him into the World Cup’s major villain.

In fairness to Neymar, he comes in to contact with a lot of heavy challenges, and is currently the most fouled player in the World Cup, such is his ability to influence matches by himself. There is a growing pattern in games, and teams appear to be adopting the same mantra: no Neymar no party. Take out the world’s most expensive player and you stand half a chance against a formidable Brazil side.

Despite this, his various dives and rolls around the pitch have taken the internet by storm, and he has become a perennial meme this summer. It was recently reported that he had spent a grand total of 14 minutes on the floor at the World Cup.

Best example of shithousery: Denying Cavani the chance to become PSG’s top scorer by not letting him take a penalty.

Belgium (Fellaini)

His equaliser against Japan broke the hearts of every neutral, but that is exactly what the towering midfielder is capable of producing when you throw him on in the closing stages of a match.

Fellaini epitomises Plan B, and while his physically imposing frame has snatched precious points from the jaws of certain defeats in the past, there is nothing aesthetically pleasing about it – disregarding the beauty of football is a unique aspect of ‘shithousery.’

But his most renowned act comes in the form of his flailing arms; taking to the sky while leading with his elbows, and many a defender has felt the force of his devastating leap.

Best example of shithousery: His three-game ban for elbowing Robert Huth, though in fairness the German pulled his hair first.  

England (Ashley Young)

Known in the Premier League as a serial diver, Young has built a reputation over the years for his exuberant tumbles.

However, Young is not alone in the England camp, and while he may be the master among his teammates, Dele Alli is the apprentice and he appears to be a fast learner.

Best example of shithousery: The Guardian produced a top five of his best dives in 2013, take your pick.

Honourable mentions to John Stones and Harry Maguire for their celebrations in the face of a heartbroken Wilmar Barrios; the Colombian midfielder had previously ‘headbutted’ Jordan Henderson in normal time which prompted a wry smile to creep across his face after escaping with just a yellow card.

Russia (Artem Dzyuba)

At 6ft 5in Dzyuba is not a nasty player by any means, but with such a hulking frame comes a responsibility to rough the opposition up, and Spain certainly felt the full force of that during the host’s round of 16 victory over the 2010-World Cup winners.

The Croatian defence will be having nightmares at the ominous prospect of coming up against the mountainous striker; such is his presence that even Gerard Pique forgot his three decades of knowledge in the art of defending.

Croatia (Mario Mandzukic)

As previously mentioned, ‘shithousery’ isn’t necessarily always a detestable act, as demonstrated by Mandzukic during Croatia’s humbling of Argentina. As Javier Mascherano squared up to the Juve marksman and appeared to have a word with him, Mandzukic responded by heavily mocking the Argentine’s height.

This was not an abhorrent form of ‘shithousery,’ but more in the bracket of Maguire and Stones’ buoyant celebrations, proving that not all forms of the dark arts are fuelled by an incentive to cheat.

Best example of shithousery: See above.

Sweden (Andreas Granqvist)

The Swedes are a lovely bunch and they have been a sheer delight this tournament. There really is no ‘shithouse’ among them, just pure discipline, organisation, passion and hunger

But we have to choose one, so the only consideration is that if Granqvist misses the birth of his child for football, then maybe he should get a mention, but we are really clutching at straws with the Scandinavians. Even then, it looks like it is his wife could be to blame.

There’s also the fact that the Sweden captain is his side’s penalty taker (and really good at it); seeing a centre-back stroll up and convert from the spot does not necessarily fir the criteria but it would definitely sting.

Best example of shithousery: TBD

The post Every World Cup quarter-finalists biggest ‘shithouse’ appeared first on Squawka News.



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